over the shoulder

lets see it going to be a year in a month or so, since i decided to start listening to the voices in my head/heart (same difference?)defered school, left school. 3.5 almost/maybe relationships. left one job of 2 yrs. left church.one death.
That would be the noteworthy event count.

Its hurt like hell but i wouldn't have it any other way.I've learnt, grown, thought less, felt more.
Found weaknesses and strengths. As if my own slippery needy scumbag-ness that i loathe
couples the fact that I am oh-so-human. Aloof, alone, creator, copycat, wise fool, foolishly wise, attentive, attention seeking, charming, careless. The list of paradoxes goes on. I mumble cos I have lockjaw, i won't admit it cos I forgot who knocked out my jaw. I mumble because I've been told i never had anything good to say all my childhood. That way i justify speaking my mind, no one hears it. I don't care because no one ever cared in a way I cared for. I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving life. I live to die. I work because responsibility is my only justification for living. The list of realizations goes on.

I guess those theatre years made me able to go deep, too deep. God I think i nearly drown sometimes. I look at people and smell pain, hurt something they never got over, see a little of what they will become and then i wonder how the fuck do i have the right to think that of someone else. Especially when i can't get over my own shit. But it makes me feel better really, that i'm not the only one.

Fact is, life will always stink somewhat. We just get used to the smell.
Fact is, for the first time in two years, i would like to think i've never been better.
I want to believe i'm ready. I'm ready now.